Ok I am an awful blogger

     I always think of all this stuff to write and then am too lazy to sit down and write it. Or it's too hard with my crazy children running all around the house. Sooooooo much has happened in my life since the new year and we aren't even out of January yet. First we had a wonderful Christmas. My mom and step dad drove down for the Holiday. We had a neighborhood Christmas eve party where the kids all came over. We watched polar express, drank hot coco, the kids each had personal videos from Santa, and we sprinkled reindeer food. It was magical and I think the best Christmas Eve I have ever had. Then Christmas Day my parents were there to watch the kids open their gifts and I cooked a big dinner. Tom, Ashley, and Troy (A family that is like family in my heart.... I love them so much and even asked them to be the kids Godparents) came over and had dinner with us. We exchanged gifts with them. It was a wonderful Holiday one I will forever be grateful for, especially after what has happened since then.
     Some things happened at the very end of December that I would rather not get in to. I will share a lot about myself but I am not willing to share everything. People who are close to me and love me know all those details and that is enough. I decided to leave Mike for good. I can't keep believing empty promises and the fact that things will never change. I called my dad who has my grandfathers house and he is letting me and the kids stay here until we can do taxes and I can move to FL. While I am so grateful for having a roof over my head I feel lost here right now. I don't have a penny to my name. I can't work because I don't know how long I am going to be here, hopefully no more than 2 more weeks. I am so ready to get to FL and make a fresh start on my life. I spent 12 years loving someone who didn't make me happy. While I tried to be the best wife I could be there are just some things that are not forgivable. At some point I had to say I am 30 years old and I still have a lot of life to live. I don't want to spend another 12, 20, 40, or whatever years being miserable. And my kids may never know it and they may hate me for taking them away from their father.....But I hope they understand one day. I want better for them and there are things they should not be around. Everything I do is for those 3 beautiful, precious, little devils LOL. I love them and will do anything I can to protect them.
     I can't even explain what I am going through right now. I have so many emotions. I do not want to go back to Mike, I have not loved him for a long time. I do know that I have hurt him and I hate hurting people. I feel so alone. I have friends who I though I was close to that haven't even called or text to ask me how I was doing. Thank goodness I have a few people who have been amazing support. It's very hard but I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have so much more to say but my eyelids no longer want to stay open.

Waiting on my biscuits

     So tonight I am making seafood au gratin for dinner. It is super delecious! Well I was putting it together to throw in the oven later and I was thinking of how it would make a great dish at Red Lobster. Then I said mmmmm Red Lobster biscuits. So here I sit now waiting to take my biscuits out of the oven. I was going to take a nap today, but normally my ass calls and begs for more jiggle to be added to it. The ass always wins. Really if you think about it that is true with just about everything in life. The ass always wins, ha ha.
     I don't really know what I have to talk about today. I was told by a friend to "write more blogs". I am trying. Normally when I think of something to write about I am no where near the computer. Then when I sit down to write the words just don't come the way they need to.   I was thinking of something earlier. You see it on t.v. and in life all the time. People willing to risk friendships for sex. Why is that? Why do you think we are so willing to lose everything for a little pleasure?
     First rule is never ever ever ever ( I can't stress the ever enough) mess with one of your best friends man. I mean come on people look at all the men and women walking around here. If I am that hard up I am sure there is someone out there willing to ummmmm..... meet my needs. I don't need to go to my friend's property for that. We have all been in situations that aren't the best. At least I have. I am sure you perfect people out there reading this have never been in a undesirable situation. Me, on the other hand, well I have done a lot of dumb stuff. You live and learn right?
     Let's face the fact that most marriages don't last now a days. So you are willing to jeopardize someone you have been friends with since potty training for a man? I don't think so. What happens when the man is no longer around. Cause he is gonna leave. OK maybe not. Maybe you beat the odds and you are still together. Don't ya get sick of looking at him? Don't you wish you could go over to your girlfriends house and bitch about how lazy he is, his toe fungus, how his eye twitches etc...? Well ya can't because she already knows all about those things cause it was her man first. Duh. So now here you sit staring at this ugly twitching eye fool and you have no friends to talk to. Was it worth it?
     It's not all just about taking your friends man. It's about just choosing that man over your friends. We have all been there. Smitten over some dude and we stop talking to our friends so much. Hell I've been married to my very own fool for a while and when we are fighting I don't talk to my friends. That is wrong of me. These are ladies who are here for me all the time. Who the heck am I to give them the cold shoulder because I am having a bad day? And when he is stupid and I kick him out again, who am I gonna go crying to? Them. So treat your friends good. Friends last longer than anything. Friends can be better than family. At least you get to choose your friends. I didn't get to choose my Bulldog loving brother. I still love him of course (despite him being a Bulldog fan). If I had to choose though I probably would have chosen someone like Brad Pitt. No Brad Pitt is too cute. How about that fat funny guy. There are lot's of those. He would be rich and have a ton of cute friends hanging around. That's a win-win.
 
     My biscuits are done.

What I love about Sundays......

     I have 2 passions , photography and cooking. I am OK at photography. I have a lot to learn. I am in no way able to stand next to a professional photographer and say hey I can compete with you.  I am not confident enough to go out and do a shoot and know I am giving them an awesome service. Cooking on the other hand, well I just love it. I know I am good at it and will compete with many people.  Cooking makes my soul happy. If I am having a good day I can go in the kitchen, pop in my headphones and just drown the world out. Something about slicing, chopping, kneading, stirring..... (yeah you get it) just turns me on. I know what you are thinking, and no it's not cause I am a fat ass. I can cook and not eat, I get the joy from making it. I mean I love to eat, but I don't have to.
     Normally Mike does not have to work on Sundays. My favorite Sunday's are when we make it to Church. That doesn't happen nearly as much as it should. Let's say we go to Church, then on a REALLLLLLLLYYY good Sunday we go to lunch afterwords. That doesn't happen much though. We get home about 11 from Church. Lay Morgan down for a nap. Then I clean if I didn't do it on Saturday. We watch some movies, play outside.... Or FOOTBALL yay!
     My favorite thing about Sunday's though is Sunday dinner. We normally invite people or they just somehow show up and I ask if they wanna eat. They always say yes. There is something I love so much about cooking for people. Hearing them make a fuss about how good it is. It makes my heart very happy. So that is my favoritest, bestest, wonderfullest, thing about Sunday's!

Long Time No Post

     Yeah I know I am an awful blogger! Oh well. I will try to be better, but I don't like making promises I can't guarantee to keep.  So much has changed since the many months ago that I last posted. Back in May I left my husband. Men stuff ya know. Like do they ever really grow up? While he was gone I went a little crazy. No girls gone wild videos or anything, but crazy for me. I met Mike when I was 18. I don't care what ya say, 18 is still a child! I mean yeah sure you can vote, but what do you really know about life? Not much. I had my first child at the age of 20. So while all my other friends were turning 21 and celebrating going to bars I was home changing diapers. I realize that this is not a big deal to some of you because many people have children young. Just bear with me though because I am telling about my life and my view on things.
     OK so Mike leaves. I find myself with this new found freedom. Once a week the kids are away. What do I do with myself. Act like I have no responsibilities of course. Now there was a month that I sat out on my porch after the kids went to bed and passed the liquor bottle around with neighbors. Am I proud of that? No. I am not ashamed of it either. My kids never knew any different. It was pretty much a month of a lot of no sleeping, a lot of laughing, and learning. During that time when most people are growing up learning who they are I went straight into mom and wife mode. I never learned who Shannon was. I lived for everyone else. So in that month or so I learned so much about myself. Who I was, who I wanted to be, who I didn't want to be.  I know that I do not want to be an alcoholic or someone who drinks herself stupid every night after her kids go to sleep. So I got to experience some partying that I missed out on and now it's done and over with, I am back in good ol' mom mode. With an occasional glass of wine ;)
     Now Mike moved back in. I have this extreme fear of making the wrong decision. Whether this is the right one I don't know. Let's hope he can get his shit together, let's hope I can. Right now things are good. I hate being a Gemini because one day I wake up and think one thing, the next day I think another. Like 85% of me is a 1950 housewife. I like to cook, clean.... be what they considered a woman's place back then. The other 15% of me thinks F that. Help me with these dang kids and clean the toilet yourself. Oh and put a hot dog in the microwave you bastard! Ha. It's a good thing that 15% doesn't come out very often though.
     School just started back. THANK GOD!!! Oh I know all you mom's out there like to say "Oh I am so sad my babies are in school BOO HOO" No one can see that party going on inside your head though. See I am not scared to admit it. Kids are little shits. Their sole purpose on earth is to make your life a living hell and then grow up and produce grandchildren who make their lives living hell. It's a never ending cycle. Yes I know, I know... Being a parent is the most rewarding thing on Earth. Sure it is, but that is ALL people ever talk about. They are so scared to say something that is not "politically correct". Well who the hell cares? I am saying what half of you are thinking but don't have the nads to say. Oh yeah I went there. Don't get me wrong I love being a mother. I love my kids..... I mean they are the most beautiful creatures on this planet (they get it from me). Let's just face it don't you think they were sent here to torture you sometimes? Don't you some days want to take food, throw it at them, and say I wanted pizza? Anyways, back to the school thing. Maddy started pre-k this year and Michael went into 4th. So now it's just me and Morgan here. Well and the kids I babysit, but they don't bother me. I get to send them home. I think that is how grandparents feel. You get to love them and send them away. So you get a nice break. Morgan is very upset that he couldn't go to school. Everyday he cries I want my Maddy after she gets on the school bus. I think I might sneak him on behind the other kids one day and see if they notice. Here are first day of school pictures.

Glad I am not pregnant.

     I like to give really awesome gifts.  Even if the only person who thinks they are really awesome is me. I can't always afford to give awesome gifts, but I do try.
     So I know a few people having babies. I was thinking of all the showers that will be coming in the future. Pondering what I should give that will make me the most awesome party guest? Then I got to thinking how glad I am not the one pregnant. So glad those days are behind me. I thought it would be funny to write the moms-to-be a top ten list of why I am glad it's them and not me. Then I thought they might not appreciate it, so I'll just post it here.

10. I am using my PrepH for the bags under my eyes not the watermelon growing out of my ass.

9. People don't give me dirty looks when I buy a pack of cigarettes.... HA HA

8. My husband isn't trying to make moves on me because "you can't sleep anyways, mise well"

7. I can say not tonight honey I'm on my period.

6. I don't have to register anywhere.

5. I can punch a stranger for touching my belly without looking like a bitch.

4. I don't have to answer the phone 1.2 million times a day and hear, "you're still pregnant??"

3. I don't have to eat a bottle of tums a day. Wait scratch that I still do.

2. My shoes fit, my pants don't have drawstrings(well the good ones still do ;P), and I can walk around Target without having to take a break.

But the number ONE reason I am glad that it's you pregnant and not me...........

After I have spent all day yelling at my child Morgan, I get to turn to my dear friend Captain Morgan.

Good luck on your upcoming birth......

In my next life, I am going to be a man.... Married to the supermodel version of me.

     I am gonna toot my own horn for a minute. I am a damn good wife. I keep my house clean, cook from scratch ( we aren't talking hamburger helper here folks), rarely ever ask for help with the kids, I don't go out, I don't ask for fancy gifts.... You get the picture. The only price the husband has to pay is hearing me bitch every now and then. Which would be a lot less if he would get off his ass or pick up after himself sometimes.
     This is a typical day. Me- up at 6, doing laundry, getting the kids dressed, making them a hot breakfast... You get the point. Him- up at whatever time he rolls out of bed, hey babe I'm going to so and so's house to hang out before I go to work. Have a great day and try to rest (this is when in my mind I smack him upside the head with a hot frying pan). Don't get me wrong he is a hard working man. He bust his ass to take care of us, but once that time clock reads clock out......
     Sometimes at the end of the day I am proud of myself for not turning to a life of drugs like some childhood friends have. I mean there is only so much screaming and crying one person can take ya know. Then after I am done with that I get up and take care of the kids.... HA HA I have jokes. Seriously though as a mother we just have to pat ourselves on the back some times. The stuff we do is amazing. To put other peoples lives ahead of our own. That is serious stuff people. I know women who have like 8 or so kids look at me and think oh she acts like she has a lot of work to do. 3 is enough for me! God knew what he was doing when he didn't allow me to have more kids. Don't even count the extra money it cost, he figured I was crazy enough already. When you consider each of my children count as 2.... If you were around them you would agree.... then add the extra kids normally at my house... Well I have a football team for sure. I have a lot of respect for families that let God decide how many children they should have. I am not quite sure if they are saints or just plain crazy (That's a joke girls). Luckily God stopped us when he knew we were at our limit. I'm here to tell ya if we wouldn't have been told that having another baby could kill me, well we might have been crazy enough to have a few more. That is a scary thought!
      I got off track though. I was supposed to be talking about how I was gonna be a man in my next life. Let's face it they have it way easier than women. I want to raise my boys to be good men. I want them to know how to cook cand clean properly. I will admt that I focus teaching that stuff more to Maddy. Primitive thinking maybe. As much as I think men have it easier I wouldn't want to give up what women are given. We get to grow a child from our womb. We get to feed that child from our breast. We get to have the magic kisses and special healing powers. There is no one else like mommy. Dad doesn't know how to cut crust off the sandwich the right way. He can't whip up homeade playdough. He can't tuck them in the right way or put just the right amount of bubbles in the bath. Face it, men have it easier, but we are better :)  I am ok with that.

     I would be ok with looking like a supermodel too........

Santa

     Tonight my son was staying the night with a neighbor. I get a phone call from him saying he wants to come home, so I say of course. I am wandering what happened because he normally stays over there fine. He gets home and gives me a big hug and tells me he loves me. Of course it was so sweet I tell him and can lay in bed with me and watch t.v. So all of a sudden he says "Why would you lie to me?" I ask him about what. He says well Santa isn't real. In my mind I start freaking out and I want to cry. I am not ready for this. I know he will be 9 next month, but I am not ready for him to lose that magic.
     Michael is very smart. He has more common sense than a child that age should. However he has a very innocent and caring heart. One that would allow him to believe longer than the average child. I ask Michael why he would think Santa isn't real. He says that the moms brother started saying something about Santa and the mom said be quiet my son doesn't know he's not real.
     First I will tell how I handled the situation then I will tell you why I am upset right now. I tell Michael that I believe in Santa. That he know's mommy and daddy don't have enough money to buy him gifts from Santa and from them. He tells me that he thought the same thing. I said "Michael, there are people all over the world that try to make peope like us not believe. Maybe since that mom doesn't believe in Santa she has to pretend that he comes to their house. In our house we believe, and he comes. All I know is if you stop believing that makes him very sad and he doesn't come anymore. I will always believe." He tells me that he agrees with me and seems comforted and relieved and falls right to sleep. Now I can't sleep.
     Maybe you don't agree with me. Maybe you think I should have told him the truth. Well that's right ,you know what I am going to say..... I don't care what you think. We always remember the true meaning of Christmas at our house. We also beleve in the magic and joy that the Holiday brings. The feeling that there is someone who loves the children so much he will ride around in a sleigh lead by reindeers giving to children and making them smile on Christmas morning. We belive in baking cookies and leaving out milk so Santa can have a treat. We believe in him. No one is going to change that for us.
     Why am I upset? Because I would expect my child to come home and ask me this because some kids at school said something to him. I did not expect him to come home and ask me because an adult said something. I would expect an adult to not assume that he is too old to believe. I would expect an adult to keep the magic alive for a child. Lucky for my child, this adult does believe.
     My kids don't get the best of everything. They don't have huge birthday parties, get spoiled with gifts year round, and they don't wear everything name brand. They aren't missing anything either. Anyone who knows me knows my kids are very happy and they are very loved. Growing up, Christmas was always so special to me. I want my kids to feel the same. It may mean that my husband and I have to not give each other gifts so they can have extra . It's not about us. It's about them. My gift for the rest of my life on Christmas morning and everyday is them. That is what God gave me. There is no greater gift to me than seeing their faces light up Christmas morning as they look at that tree and see the gifts that were left by a jolly fat man. It is 10 times better than them thinking I bought it for them. In that instant they are just a child believing in magic.
     Childhood gets taken away from them so early now. They know things they have no right to know. I just want them to hold on to that little piece for a little longer. When my children are 30 I will still give them the same answer "If you stop believing he stop's coming." You see no matter how old they are they will still be my babies and I still want the magic.